I'm sitting here and I'm just not sure anymore. I'm not sure of anything.
The first time I saw Kent I wanted to know him. The first time I spoke to him, I wanted to be closer to him. The first time I kissed him, I wanted to be with him forever.
I met Kent at work. It was May, a very hot May. It was the 23rd of May, actually. A Wednesday, I'm pretty sure. We ate lunch together that day and every day after that (when we worked the same days). The 27th was Memorial Day that year. That day he came to work on his day off to be near me, he told me jokes and his middle name. He went to lunch with a friend but promised to come back and give me a ride home. We got to my house and he said, "It's too bad you don't have my phone number." I hate the phone but we talked for 3 hours that night.
The next day he was supposed to work and so I went in to see him on his lunch break. He wasn't there. I was leaving him a message on his answering machine as he came up behind me (scaring the bejeezus out of me) and said he'd taken the day off. To be with me. We went to the park and we walked around and he held my hand. We watched a stick go under the bridge and I thought of Winnie the Pooh. He said it was a "snake in the water, you fool" and (having no imagination) I flatly stated that it was "not a snake" and looked away. He laughed and pushed his hair out of his face. And then I fell in love.
I fell in love with a boy who could see snakes in sticks. I fell in love with a boy who liked to hold my hand. I fell in love with a boy whose favorite thing to do was laugh. I fell in love with a boy who loved me.
That afternoon we went to his apartment and we listened to music. I remember the smell. We talked about our favorite things. About work. I introduced him to TOOL and he introduced me to 311. We fought over a super bounce ball with stars in it. I can still see the afternoon sunlight filtering through the window, falling across his face. It was so warm.
We were fighting over that ball and apple lotion (in an apple shaped dispenser that belonged to his roommate) and Sublime was playing. We were laughing and then he kissed me. Or I kissed him. Or we just kissed. That very second, the lyrics "I'm in the mood... get ready" played. We started to laugh and then he sat there on an old brown fraternity couch and pulled me against him. I laid against him with my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat.
When it got late I told him that I should go and we got up, he was getting ready to take me home. He held me close and told me, "One of my favorite things to do is hug." He rested his chin on my head and added, "Don't go. I don't want you to go." So I stayed.
I slept in an old t-shirt of his and a pair of his boxers. He took a shower and came out with his longish hair still dripping. We laid together on his twin bed, talking and laughing all night long. He smelled like soap. Green Suave soap and it's one of my favorite smells in the world now. (When they changed the scent of it I almost cried.) He was wearing a Tasmanian Devil "RECYCLE" shirt (ever the environmentalist). We fell asleep, with his arm around me and his head on my chest, as the sky began to lighten. He took me to my house to shower and get clothes and then I went home with him. Since then we've spent about 5 nights in different places. And you know, we slept in the same bed every night and it was weeks before we 'slept' together.
I love him. I love him so much. I know things change and I wouldn't give up anything that I have now (okay, I'd give up the THINGS but not my children) but I would really love, just for one day, to go back to that. I would like to stay up talking (laughing, not fighting) all night and sleep in the next day. And wake up late and watch The Price is Right and drink chocolate milk and listen to music and just not worry about anything.
I miss that so much. I miss just being able to exist. Everything seemed so simple then. It's been six years. I have been with the most wonderful man in the world for six years. And somehow we've forgotten how to laugh.
1:04 am - 22 May 2007
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