Here's the thing. I told Kent that I wanted a divorce and I didn't even know I was going to say it. I just started crying and when he asked me what was wrong I looked up and that's what came out.
I don't WANT to be alone. I don't. It has been on my mind lately that I can't go on the way we've been going. We barely talk, we sleep in separate bedrooms, he's working all. the. time. When we do find time together we spend it bitching about other people or at each other. We're both so tired and I can't figure if we're tired of US or what.
When I said, "I want a divorce," his immediate response was, "Are you serious?" That's how he always reacts when I tell him something important. With this sort of bewildered astonishment - as though I surely MUST be joking. It's how he reacted when I told him I was pregnant with Aislyn. It's how he would react if I told him that someone died. So I expected that. But afterward he just firmly said, "Well I don't." I'm not sure if that was supposed to be the end of it or not. I think I was relieved that he said that. I didn't say it for shock value - it wasn't a calculated attack or anything. And I don't even believe that's what I want.
Up until I said it, I would have said with certainty that I don't believe in divorce. Okay, I believe in divorce. There ARE good reasons to get divorced. If you're abused, married to a cheater, or really intensely just unhappy. But none of that applies to me.
Kent's a good, decent man. Yeah, he has his 'issues' but so do I. We all do. My biggest problem is that we aren't really a WE anymore. There's a HIM and a ME but no US. And I'm the kind of person who needs there to be an 'us' in things.
I'm just saddish a lot of the time. I'm very tense and anxious when Kent's around. I spend so much time with my stomach in knots, just waiting for him to get upset. So even days where he's happy and doesn't get upset - I'm still upset. I do NOT like confrontation and fighting.
I also have that "I'll leave you before you leave me" complex. We spend so much time apart. I thought his new job was going to be good for us - a stable schedule and everything, more money. Instead it has been anything but better. His new boss is an asshole so Kent is miserable at work and he is not the kind of person who can separate work from home. He's also been working LATE nearly every day. If Kent wasn't the man that he is I would be wondering if he was having an affair.
Something happened to us. I can't pinpoint what or when or where - but it happened. And I can't fix it. I'm a fixer. I need to fix things. When there isn't a solution available - when it looks like I might fail, I bail. I jump ship, take the easy way out. I cannot do that this time. I can't.
But I can't fight anymore. I can't argue about why I didn't find (or rather, make) the time to do the dishes or put laundry away. I can't defend Riley anymore. (Kent's very hard on him sometimes - I mean, really. I'm not just being an overprotective Mama this time.) I can't keep trying to convince him that he can be a father AND be happy. It happens.
My biggest hesitancy about leaving him was the fact that Aislyn is only 6 months old and I don't want to leave her!!! How SAD is that?
I love Kent. But I can't let my kids see us fight anymore. I can't spend my only time with him fighting.
I think tonight was a wake-up call for both of us. We talked for awhile and he said, "I can't let you leave. I love you and it would be a waste for you to walk away when we haven't tried our hardest." And then I cried because. Doesn't he SEE that I'm trying - I've BEEN trying? He's a good man.
So he's promised to be more aware of things and so have I. I'm going to try to relax more. I spend so much time worrying about the possibility of him getting angry that sometimes I see anger in him where there isn't any. He is going to try and be more aware of when he's getting bothered over little things that (in the long run) don't matter.
This time I'm not giving up. I just want for us to be US again.
12:20 am - 20 May 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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