I may never get what I want
But I'm happy just to die trying
And I hope I ain't done nobody wrong
But I miss you smiling
And I'm looking for a cure cause I'm bored to tears
And I'm stuck in here, stuck out here, stuck in here
We lived through another day
It's a good excuse to celebrate
Take a number knock on wood
We'll find a reason to feel good
I know you know I wanna know how I feel
I can't even tell
-Can't Even Tell, Soul Asylum
Urgh. That pretty much sums it up. We're getting through this one day at a time. So far, okay.
I think people are getting the wrong idea. The problem really does not have anything to do with my kids. Yes, I'm tired and maybe that makes things seem worse than they actually are. But I'm HAPPIEST when it's just me and the kids here at home. I don't want to leave them with someone else - they are keeping me sane right now. If I didn't have them to look after, to take care of, I would be completely losing my mind.
Maybe I'm being delusional. I don't know. What I do know is that I still love my husband and he loves me and I have to keep telling myself that over and over until it really sinks in.
Kent is at work so much lately. It doesn't bother me that much because when he comes home he is usually angry about something and he takes it out on us. Not by yelling or throwing things or anything (he's not abusive by any measure!). But by shutting us out, ignoring us... it just feels like we're more of an annoyance than something he cares about. I constantly feel like a burden - he's always saying things that allude to how much easier his life would be if he didn't have a family to support. It hurts my feelings. I feel like I've trapped him. He's unhappy. When he is unhappy, I am unhappy. So I'm stuck here and I don't know what to do because I've tried everything I can think of and I'm just not good enough.
He gets irritated soooo easily. About little things like Riley spilling water on himself or Aislyn waking up in the night. I just don't see the point in getting so angry over things that don't matter so much. So the minute he steps in the door, I'm on edge. I'm always wondering what's going to set him off this time? It's just hard. He's not mad at US but we're getting the crap for it anyway. I told him to QUIT his job, go back to his other job. I want to be happy again! I don't care about money!
He says that we'll never move up if he goes back to his baking job. I don't care about moving up. Life isn't about how much money you have or what kind of car you drive or where your house sits! Even if we're stuck in this neighborhood forever, always driving used cars - who CARES?! I don't find any point in living if you're going to be miserable.
Okay, I'm getting off track. It's not ALL his fault. It's not. I get frustrated when he gets upset and it's a pretty vicious cycle. Where nearly every night ends with us not speaking. I always say, "Goodnight" and "I love you" before he goes to bed or leaves though. Because you just never know what's going to happen and I would DIE if anything happened to him and the last thing I said was nothing. I learned the hard way that sometimes people go to bed and just never get up - even when they're relatively young. So I try not to let it happen.
Since the day (it seems like a looooong time ago but it really wasn't!) that I told him I wanted a divorce (and no, I did NOT say it to hurt him - I was really serious) we've been trying. He reached for my hand while we were in the car yesterday and I was pretty shocked. It's been a long time. I've been trying harder not to get mad at him when he's upset about work - he has a right to be pissed when his boss is a "turdy turd" (to quote Riley). But I also have a right to peace in my home, and I reminded him of that. So now when he comes home he is giving us all hugs and saying "hi" to the kids. THEN we go in the kitchen and talk about our days rather than playing the "I have it worse" game. (Which, by the way, Kent has always been a master at. Ever since I've met him, if I'm tired - he's exhausted. If I've stubbed my toe, he's twisted his ankle. If I'm kind of hungry, he's starving. ... You get the picture.) Anyway, we're trying and I guess that's what counts at this point.
So things aren't perfect by any means. He's still stressed and I'm still stressed that he's stressed. He still isn't as nice to Riley as I'd like him to be. And I'm sure there are things I need to fix about myself as well. I know that. One thing - yesterday he had the day off and for the first time in a few months, we didn't yell at each other. We spent an entire day together (we even had to leave the house, which is pretty much a guaranteed fight) and we smiled more than we have in a long time. Sometimes, I guess, things really do have to get worse before they can get better.
I'm still not sure how I feel. None of this is easy. I'll find myself getting ready to say something sarcastic (which is something he can't stand!) and I'll bite my tongue and just answer him. It drives me nuts when people ask things like, "What are you doing?" when they can see me. I'll be sitting there - just sitting - and he'll say, "What are you doing?" and I usually say something like, "Picking strawberries - what does it look like?" But now I try to just answer him, "Just sitting here." But it gets harder when after that he will ask, "Why?" Umm... what? Now I need a reason to sit? Gah!
It's about an hour since I wrote last. A bunch of random things happened (Riley pooped in his pants (EWW!) and Aislyn ate "lunch") in between when I was writing and now. So I'm not sure where I was headed with this. Basically, all I have to say is that we're trying. And that's a lot better than what I was saying a few days ago.
Another video of Aislyn dancing. This time to Green Day. Hee. That's Kent's voice on the video and I think you can hear Riley in the background.
11:22 am - 23 May 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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