I'm anxious today. So anxious that it is taking ALL of my concentration and effort to sit down here and write. But I also have a million thoughts and feelings swirling in my head and I feel like maybe MAYBE if I can get some of it out then I'll feel a little less anxious. I hope so anyway.
I feel bad because my kids are suffering as a result of my anxiety today. I can't - I just can't let them touch me. Riley will try to hug me and I feel like screaming, literally like screaming. It's not making me mad just - my skin is crawling. I feel like I'm on drugs but I'm not. I keep expecting giant bugs to start pounding on the door, trying to get in and eat me. Every little thing that anyone does is getting on my nerves. And there's no warning. I asked Riley to do something (pick up something he threw) and he didn't do it THE SECOND I asked so I screamed. I'm not a screamer - as mad as I sometimes get, I don't yell at my kids. I immediately apologized but urgh.
I can't do this today. I just can't be a mother today. But I have to and how, how do I make myself do something I feel like I know I can't do? Thank god they're both sleeping right now. Kent is working late tonight so I'm not waking them up. They can take 4 hour naps today if they want to. I'm a bad mother.
This comes on so sudden, I don't know what to do. My skin is just crawling, crawling. I feel like it's going to slip right off. I'm also having a hard time sitting still. But I can't really focus long enough to finish anything. The laundry was started, the dishes, I can't read and I'm having a hard time writing this. The words are coming into my head faster than I can type them. There are probably a lot of errors, I apologize.
It's like there is a 500 pound man sitting on my chest and laughing. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm scared of myself when I get like this. I don't know why my heart is beating 800 miles a minutes. My body feels tired and energized at the same time. My head tells me I'm tired and my heart tells me I'm ready to go running.
I want to get out of myself, I'm in a tiny room and the walls are closing in on me. I need... something. I don't know what. If I could just figure out what then I'd be okay.
And somehow, SOMEHOW, I have to be okay. I have to. Because I have two little kids who don't understand crawly skin and taut nerves. I'm not sure that I even understand. So I have to do something. I just don't know what.
12:42 pm - 31 May 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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