So... the great Santa debate has been really getting me down lately. A couple of people have written about it now and I figure I may as well get my two cents in while the topic's hot. Cheap as that may be.
My mother consistently tells me that some of her best memories of my childhood are hearing my brother and I on Christmas morning. "He came! Mama, he came!"
I never liked Christmas much. I hated the big family get-togethers. I hated asking for things. I hated the pressure of finding the perfect gift. But one thing I did like about it was the stocking. I could have cared less what was in any of the brightly colored packages under the tree. In fact, looking at the gifts all wrapped up was actually better (in most cases) than afterward. But the stocking, stuffed with tiny treasures, was always fantastic.
There's always this big, long build-up to Christmas. "Let's be merry and blah blah blah." I'm not a "merry" person. Quite frankly, I'm an asshole half the time. And, more often than not, I find the holiday season brings out the worst in people. In stores, I get more dirty looks in December than I do the entire rest of the year. I need to walk in front of someone? I say excuse me. Always. In March, June, September... I generally get a "That's okay" or at least a nod. Late November through December? A rude look, a sneer, a sigh. Joyous my fucking ass.
I don't buy into that whole "the more you spend, the more happiness you bring" bullshit. It's crap. I know it. You know it. But still, I see things everywhere telling me that what I've gotten for my family isn't enough. I don't measure love in money so I'm sure has hell not going to measure the spirit of Christmas that way.
Yes, Virginia, there is a point.
And it's this. Santa may feed commercialism on some occasions but I don't think that I'm doing my son a disservice by keeping the myth of Santa alive just a little bit for him. I have felt pretty crappy the last few days, this "santa issue" waging war in my head.
Will Riley think I'm big fat lying poophead? Is he going to think I'm a hypocrite because I bought gifts and said they were from someone else? Should I just tell him that there is no Santa Claus? Is it okay to do the Santa thing?
I've actually gotten quite upset over this lately. I don't want to be a bad mother. I don't want to be a lying horrible mother because I tried to bring a little bit of magic into my son's life. I don't pull the whole "If you're good then Santa will come" crap. I simply say that Santa is coming. YES I am going to make cookies with my son on Christmas Eve and YES we're leaving some for Santa. YES he will get Santa presents and NO I don't think it will hurt him or our relationship in anyway.
When I stopped believing in Santa (and unlike a lot of people, I'm not really sure of the exact moment - it had something to do with a postmark on a letter blah blah). Right, back to the point. When I stopped believing in Santa, I didn't think of my mother as a liar. I was amazed at the amount of effort she was willing to put in to preserve my innocence. To help me believe that there was more than the tangible. Is that a bad thing? No. So, although I've felt like a bad person lately, I'm still doing the Santa thing. And I think Riley will appreciate it for what it is/was when he is older.
And, if it matters, I didn't go crazy on Christmas. I think it's absolutely ridiculous when people spend small fortunes on gifts. Tomorrow, Riley and I are going out shopping and tomorrow, we are getting gifts for less fortunate people. I'm not trying to brag (which would completely ruin the whole point of giving in such a way) but just trying to show that maybe Santa and being charitable can go hand in hand. If my son asks me someday why Santa can't get gifts for these people we don't know, then I will explain it to him. I'm not all about the lying but sometimes kids just need a little magic.
I had it and I feel like I'd be denying Riley something if I didn't give it to him too.
11:03 pm - 11 December 2005
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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