A guy that I knew pretty well committed suicide. I haven't spoken to him in about 2 years but it still stings. You think you know someone and then you realise, underneath the surface, something darker lies in all of us. You also think that you have all the time in the world to contact someone, to let them know you still think of them from time to time even though you drifted apart.
When something like this happens to someone you know (and this seems to happen to me [well, not to me, but you know...] a lot, I have lost 3 friends this way before him and my brother's best friend too) it makes you wonder if you could have done something. If I had just picked up the phone to say "hello" or even bothered to write an e-mail... would he have felt like someone cared? Can you change a person's life with a smile? I believe that you can. It's happened for me before.
It's probably stupid of me to be feeling guilt over this. Like I said, we hadn't spoken in ages and it wasn't just my fault. We grew apart.... I got into a serious relationship, had a child, got married. He drifted, like he always did, from job to job - ever uncertain of where he fit in. He didn't fit in much, actually. Kent didn't like him. Which probably had something to do with the whole drifting process.
I have these little pieces of him engraved in my memory. His distinct laugh, his blue fingernails, his favorite Tekken characters. It's so crazy that this has happened. I'm not going to the funeral, I don't belong there.
I think back to the times that I have tried to commit suicide. Why did I do it? Even as it was happening, I couldn't have told anyone why. It just felt like the right thing to do. Every time someone saved my life, I hated them for it. I didn't deserve it, I didn't want it and I sure as fuck didn't need it. Yet, here I sit today, grateful to be alive.
I wonder what changed for me. There is no single moment where I went from that dark place where thoughts of death consumed me to where I am now. I wonder why everyone isn't as lucky as I am. Why can't each individual find someone who understands them.
I think about him and I just can't imagine. He was so much fun. Honestly, he was very different but he never, not once, seemed depressed. Of course a lot can change in 2 years. I know I'm a different person.
I am sure this entry doesn't make much sense. This whole thing is hurting more than I realised it could. I just feel so fucking guilty. Like I should have tried harder. And part of me knows that there is nothing I could have done. I didn't even know where he was living at the time.
The worst part is that he died alone. No one should ever die alone.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I ended up going to bed at 7am. Back up at 9am. I watched "Pay it Forward" and in it there's a scene where a woman is standing on a bridge, getting ready to jump. A man that she doesn't know brings her down just because someone else did him a favor that they didn't have to do. Why are people so complex? Why can't we just, at least sometimes, fit into neat little boxes?
I'm so tired and I even feel guilty that I'm primarily happy. I just keep thinking, "I don't deserve to be happy any more than anyone else. I don't deserve a loving husband any more than all of the other women I know. I don't deserve a child as wonderful as Riley, either. Especially when other people, who would make wonderful mothers, have not conceived."
It's just not right. Nothing about any of this is right. I hate this.
7:56 pm - 15 December 2005
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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