So I'm sitting here (and I just saw an itty bitty spider out of the corner of my eye and he crawled into the trash can, hehe) with the exact thing that I am always wanting: alone time. And now? I don't want it, not so much. Sigh. Kent's upstairs with Aislyn and I feel all achy and lonely for some reason. Even though Riley would have just gone to bed anyway. Somehow, with him not being here, it just feels wrong. All day long I've been thinking that if this is what it feels like to just have a child spend the night somewhere else, what must it feel like to have one die? Because my stomach's been a bit tied up all day. I guess it's a combination of both missing him and feeling guilty for not missing him as much as my brain tells me that I should.
For the first time in my life, I'm literally sitting by the phone and waiting for a boy to call! That's never happened to me before, haha.
I will admit that it was nice to watch an entire movie this afternoon, without worrying if he'd wake up from his nap and pick up on any of the 'naughty' words. (That spider really is quite cute by the way.) But then Kent, Aislyn (in the stroller) and I all went for a walk and it felt so wrong to be without Riley. I missed his (literally) constant running commentary ("Look Mama! A grate! See how many trees? One two three... four... fivesixseveneightnineten! Ten whole trees! Wow!") and I missed the way he checks on Aislyn during the walk ("Hello my little peanut! Are you okay? Are you sleepy in there, my little peanut?"). Sniffle.
As crazy as it sounds, I feel homesick. I am home but I don't feel home without both of my kids with me. Urgh.
Kent, however, is most thoroughly enjoying himself. Really, really enjoying himself. I think I might even get laid tonight, hahaha. Only not hahaha because really. I might! :) I wonder what it is - the difference between mothers and fathers that makes him able to just relax and enjoy himself. Or rather, what is it about MYself that makes it impossible for me to just relax and enjoy it? It's crazy! All I've wanted for months is just a little bit of peace and quiet. Yet here I am now, moaning about how peaceful and quiet it is. Bleurgh.
I just keep having these awful thoughts ever since I drove away. What if he wakes up in the night and misses me? (Of course, my mum has been instructed to call right away if that happens and I'll go get him!) Or worse, what if he gets hurt? I've left his epipen...
Oh the phone is ringing! Whee!
7:57pm. Okay well. That was good. I'll write more later, Aislyn is crying now. (And the little spider is still crawling about. I think we're going to be friends.) :)
7:37 pm - 21 April 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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