This is long and rambly. A little mixed up and some of it might not make sense because there is a lot of history and background that I just couldn't/didn't put in. So I apologize and I completely understand if you don't read it. I'm just trying to sort everything out for ME.
Thanks for all the comments on the last entry. I think my kids are cute too. :)
I'm getting depressed. Knowing it's coming is almost the hardest part for me. I'm so sick of everyone. Seriously, EVERYONE. First all the crap with Kent's parents (which I still can't even bring myself to open that can of worms just yet). Then today I took the kids to my mother's house. It was MISERABLE.
I can't even say how disappointed I am in my mother, in my family in general. I finally reached my limit today though. I was sitting at her kitchen table and Riley got snapped at one too many times. I just threw up my hands and yelled, "I'm not coming over here anymore. I just. I can't deal with it. It's not worth it." And it's true.
I spent over half my time there just watching the clock, waiting for 2:30 so that I could leave to pick Kent up from work. Most of the time that I was there, I was holding Aislyn and Riley was playing nearby us. While my mother visited with Karen (her best friend) or my Aunt Pam... or whoever. I don't drag myself and the kids out at 6:30 in the morning for ME. I do it so that they can spend time with their grandmother. If she's just going to visit with everyone but us then forget it. No one makes an effort but me and I'm so incredibly sick of it.
What really pushed me over the edge today is something I probably shouldn't even write about. But oh well. It's my journal and I write for me and I HAVE to tell someone. It's hard to explain to diarylanders because it would take hours to go through the whole story. I'll try to paraphrase.
Basically, my Aunt Pam has taken over my mum's house. My old bedroom had been turned into a kind of playroom/computer room for the kids. Now it is my aunt's sewing room. Riley went in to get some toys and he got 'kicked out' because there were scissors and whatnot lying around. Riley had gotten a small spool of thread and unravelled it. Well my mother just started making little comments. One of them was to my aunt (made just as I got within earshot) saying that she really hoped my aunt had more white thread because Riley ruined hers. WHAT? It was a TINY spool of thread. If it's such a big deal, get it out of his reach. It's not like she didn't know that we were coming. And HE isn't the one who put his toys in that room!
Then later on, Riley took a large piece of ribbon off the coffee table in the living room. Again, my mother started in (and it's not so much her words but her TONE when she says them) saying, "No, Riley. No no no. I think Auntie Pam wants that. No no. Riiiiley." Then she sort of rolled her eyes at me. And grrr. It's hard to explain. Riley, for almost 4 years, has had the RUN of that place. No room, no thing was off limits. Now all of a sudden, he isn't allowed in 85% of the house. He gets told "no" about everything. Of course he's going to be confused about that! It's HER OWN FAULT. I tried many times to tell him to respect other peoples' things and not touch them. She is the one who always said, "Oh he can't hurt anything, let him be." But now that there are things that are not supposed to be touched, it is somehow my fault for not being strict enough? Oookay.
So Riley LOVES my Aunt Pam. He has so much fun with her. Today she was being kind of a bitch to him. Making little comments, kind of picking on him and whenever he was trying to talk to her or play then she would kind of push him away. She was doing it to Kylie too. (Ky is my cousin, she was staying with my mum this weekend.) So at one point Pam went down to "her" room. That room used to be my brother's room and originally, my mum had it set up as a spare bedroom. One for Riley to take naps in. She put all of RILEY'S videos in there and whatnot. Well today my aunt went down there and Riley wanted one of the videos. She wouldn't let him in. Finally she just handed him a video and told him to leave. My poor little man. He was kind of sad. He just doesn't understand why Pam was that way. She has ALWAYS been that way... fun when she is in the mood for it but very unreliable. No one can ever really depend on her.
So a bit later Riley tried to go down and see her, he wanted to show her something. "Auntie Pam! Auntie Pam, look at this!" She slammed the door in his face! He started to open it again and by that time I was on my way to go get him. I picked him up and glanced up at my aunt (she was in the room with Michelle, her son's girlfriend). Then Michelle shut the door in MY face but not quickly enough. I saw what they were doing. My aunt was counting out pills and Michelle was huddled over her. Not 5 minutes later my aunt (not realizing that I knew what she was doing) came out and asked Karen if she had change for a $20. I know that my aunt gets hydrocodone for her "back pain" and I would bet a lot of MY money that's what she was selling to Michelle. I'm so ANGRY and disappointed. She calls my brother names, makes him out to be a loser but at least he admits what he is. My brother might be a drug addict and somewhat of an asshole but he's honest about what he is. My aunt is 'holier than thou' about crap like this... talking down on my brother. And I find out that she's selling drugs. I KNOW that it was a split second. And I KNOW that to some people it looks as if I'm jumping to conclusions without knowing the whole story. But the fact is, I LIVED that world for awhile. I know exactly what it looks like from both sides.
I haven't told my mother. What's the point? My mother takes up for everyone else over me anyway. Pam is her sister. She'd never kick her out. And I refuse to take my kids there now. It's such crap.
I have NO ONE. I have no one. It's sucks so much because it's very true. If Kent died, I would be alone in this world, I really truly would. (Aside from my kiddos, of course.) There isn't anyone that I can count on. I just can't deal with the crap, the drama, anymore. I'm done, just completely done. My childhood home should be a place that I can go back to and feel comfortable and safe. Instead I feel awkward and unwelcome. I can't think of how to tell my mother all the reasons why I can't go over anymore. I know it will hurt her and I don't want to do that. (Not that she ever seems to care what I feel.) Two things I just refuse to do to my kids: take them somewhere that will make them feel unwanted and put them in a situation that could compromise their safety. Of course I mean safety regarding the drug thing but also, my aunt just leaves whatever lying wherever. Scissors, needles, pins, matches. At various times during the day Riley got each of those things and I had to take them away. It pisses me off. Then there's the fact that my aunt has a dog. So not only does Riley now get told "no" to everything and get made to feel like a nuisance every weekend, he also comes home with itchy/watery eyes and he scratches all night long.
NOT WORTH IT.
So why do I feel so guilty? I can't call my mother on the phone and tell her because she won't listen, I know. I can't talk to her face-to-face because there is ALWAYS someone else around (Karen, Pam, etc.). I can't email because my aunt sits there while my mum reads it (she gets her email on webtv even though she has a computer, so it's right in the living area). If I write a letter, she'll probably leave it lying around and Pam will read it. My aunt is rather... vindictive. If anyone says anything negative about her she never lets them forget it and she uses every little thing against them. Being on her bad side is NOT fun, trust me.
I'm so exhausted, trying to sort out everything with our families. The whole Chris situation, Kent's dad... and now this from my mum. If Kent could get a transfer somewhere and we could leave Maine, I would do it. I no longer have any hesitation about leaving the state. I LOVE Maine but I would love even more to just be able to start over somewhere else. With no pressure to BE or do anything.
Urgh. Since I'm on a ranty roll I might as well go on with it.
Kent's parents are pushing my buttons. My FIL once again brought up the fact that my son isn't baptised. He had told Riley that they (he and my MIL) were going to church. Riley asked, "What is church?" Which got my FIL started in on how being faithless is what leads to the decay of society. How "unclean" people (meaning their souls, I assume?) are what is wrong with this world. I can't listen to him tell Riley that he is going to go to "a bad place" because of ME. How many times do I have to tell that FUCKING man that I am not Catholic. And, if I DID practice any religion, it would be Baptist. It will be RILEY'S choice if he wants to be active in a church setting... when he's old enough. I'm not going to force him into beliefs. I'm not. How can I when I don't even believe? Why can't my FIL understand that I wish, I really truly and honestly WISH, that I had faith. Everything would be so much easier if I could just believe. But I don't. And I cannot make myself. So I will not make my kids. He makes me feel like a bad wife because I haven't converted. I'm not a bad wife and I'm not a bad person. I try so hard, so damned hard, to be everything to everyone. Just because I don't sit in a pew and pick at my nails for an hour, that doesn't make me any better or any worse than anyone else in this world. Does it? Honestly? If there IS a Heaven then why wouldn't I go there? I'm a genuinely good person. I don't hate, I don't kill, I don't lie, I don't cheat or steal. I just want to be free to be myself and be accepted for that. Why can't it be that way? And somehow I get the feeling that no matter what I do, no matter what I change, I'll still not be good enough. Why can't I be me and have that be enough?
Then there's the relationship between Kent and his Dad. Kent is not a "man's man" or whatever. He's sensitive. He knows nothing about cars or tools. He'd rather stay home and play a game than go to a sporting event. He's nothing like his father. And so he has spent his entire life trying to please his Dad, to relate to him. They are so different. Every little snide remark Shirley makes about "sissy guys" and just.. everything. It cuts Kent deep. It's hard to watch. I hate even more when I get dragged into. My FIL will say things to me like, "How do you like having a wife?" or whatever. What rubbish is that?
Kent and I, in one regard, are very much the same. We've never been able to (and probably never will be able to) depend on our parents. Kent's parents openly favor Chris and Sean. Sean is the "golden boy" - the one who did everything right. He never got into any trouble, he graduated high school with honors, he went to college, he married his Catholic high school sweetheart, they got married, bought a house, got a dog, had a baby, had the baby baptised... all in the right order. Now Sean works in a bank, just like Shirley did for years. So my FIL brags about Sean constantly, says how proud he is of him, and he doesn't even see that he hurts Kent when he does that. Would it kill him to just ONCE say something positive to Kent about his life?
When we were up there for the 4th, I was going to transfer the photos that I had taken to their computer. Well, Shirley was getting impatient about the way I was doing it (he's a control freak) and then Riley was being a little hyper. So he told Riley to get out of the room. When Riley went to leave, he tripped over the cord and it shut the power off. Shirley was SO MAD. He started getting all huffy and muttering under his breath about incompetence and how nothing goes right. And "why can't people just do things the RIGHT way..."
Theme of the day: people being rude to my son. My son who is ONLY 3 and a half years old. He's not a teenager. He's not an adult. He doesn't try to talk to people (Pam) or unplug cords to irritate anyone. He got flustered trying to get out of the computer room and when he started to trip, SHIRLEY grabbed him up to move him and if he had just let Riley right himself, he probably wouldn't have unplugged the cord! I'm not saying Riley's an angel. Heaven knows he drives me insane some days. But I never call him names or make him feel less than good enough because of anything he does. I am always sure to clarify that it's what he has DONE (and not him as a person) that I'm upset with. Riley is very smart and when he talks, it's not like talking to a little kid. Sometimes even I forget how young he is and I have to remind myself that he IS just a baby (in a sense). He just seems so grown up.
I know, I know. I'm rambly. I'm so tired. Of everything. Of life, of people, of family. I want so badly to get AWAY from all this. The only family I want right now is the little family I've made for myself. Kent, the kids and me.
There's more that was said and done but I can't be bothered tonight. I feel a bit lighter after dumping all that out anyway. So that's something.
I am sorry if I haven't been commenting lately. At least not with any feeling or depth. I've been reading but I just feel so drained lately. Hopefully things will get back to normal. Now that we're pretty much not in touch with anyone (except Sean & Tracy) I won't have anywhere to go and I'm hoping I can get back into a routine so that I'll have more time for me. Time that doesn't involve staying up into the wee hours.
10:07 pm - 08 July 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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