I'm not having that great of a day. Wait, let me clarify. I had a good morning and a decent afternoon. It's my evening that's been taken hostage by the "things suck as does your life" gremlins.
I went out this afternoon with Kent and Riley. No, not out out, I mean grocery shopping. Joy of joys. Today went well, though. Riley was being good, no tantrums, just good behavior from an (almost) 2 year old monkey. Of sorts.
Then I got home and my husband spoke with his mother. He's a momma's boy. Big time. But that's another entry.
After that, because I am obsessive, I go to erase the "new" calls on the caller ID. I absolutely cannot stand it when I look at the phone and the little display window says Calls: 1 New. Drives me insane. Immediately after a phone call ends I erase the new calls. Blah blah. So I notice that my mother called me.
That's not a big deal. My mother call sometimes, not often, but once in awhile. She usually has no need to call since Riley and I go over there almost every Saturday. The odd part was that she called me from her work. She never calls from work. Ever. So I immediately called her back.
She answered (as she's prone to do when I call her) and I said, "You rang?" Because yeah, I'm cool like that. And she said, "Yeah, I didn't want to leave it on a message."
At that point, my stomach has dropped to about my knees and then gone surging back up again. Nobody ever wants to hear someone say, "I didn't want to say this on your answering machine." It means only bad things.
So, while trying to fend off an anxiety attack, I ask my mother what she means. "It's gram [my dad's mother]. She's in the hospital." Now, my grandmother is one of my most favorite people on the planet. Of my 4 grandparents (and I know I should play favorites but I'm human and so I do) she is my favorite. I spent a huge chunk of my childhood with her and she's the strongest woman I know. To hear that something's wrong with her is devastating for me.
So apparently she was sitting at the table talking to my grandfather and then she started slurring her speech or something. [When my mother says this, my inner dialogue says: "Oh fuck, she had a stroke."] So my grandfather called Tim (my cousin) and he drove them into the hospital.
That's all my mother knew when she called. But now (a few hours and a couple phone calls later) we know that she didn't have a stroke. But something happened to her that is like a precursor to a stroke (whatever that is, I didn't get the technical jargon). So she's on blood thinners to try and prevent a stroke.
I'm dying on the inside. I keep screaming at myself in my head, "You need to spend more time with her!" I feel like a horrible granddaughter. After all that she's done for me in my life, I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I just feel like crying.
I know that people die. I know that it's an inevitable part of life. Only one thing in life is ever certain. Once you've taken your first breath... it's just a countdown to your last. I am going to see my grandmother in the hospital but it is going to wreck me.
If something happens, I don't want my last memories of her to be of her in a hospital room with stupid white walls, lying on a stupid electric bed with stupid IVs in her arms. I want to remember her as the spunky grandma. She is always the first out with something sarcastic. And she's always busy. The only times I've ever seen her still have been the 2 other times she's been in the hospital. I don't want her to die. I don't know how to say goodbye. You'd think I would, I've had plenty of practice, but I just don't.
I know she's not going to live forever (and yes I am aware that I'm babbling AND repeating myself) but I just hate having that knowledge. When I was little, after my father passed away, she promised she would never die. As an adult, I now see how stupid I was to believe her. But in my mind I hear her voice, over and over, "Oh Jennifer, don't be silly. I'm not going to die, I'll never leave you!" And there she is, lying on a hospital bed in a room all by herself.
I'm such a shit. I feel so selfish. And guilty. And angry. Probably all the things that people are forced to feel when they're faced with aging and death. But gah.
I can't help but wonder if, by having children, I've just condemned them to these same feelings. I know that someday I will get old. And hopefully my child(ren) and (future) grandchildren will outlive me. It almost makes me regret having them. I'm setting my offspring up to be let down. That sucks.
I'm sick and worried and exhausted. So if this entry doesn't make much sense to you - you're not the only one. Blurgh. And I have that stupid fucking "Memories" song in my head. You know, the one from CATS where the say "memrees" instead. And yes, I have that on video. Shush.
7:42 pm - 18 October 2005
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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