*I added pictures*
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking,
How long till this goes away?
-How Long, Hinder
Today is a little bittersweet for me. I don't think the time around May 13th is ever going to be 'great' for me again. That's not to say I'm having a bad day. I'm just... blue. (Actually that's a bit literal as well as figurative!) Anyway. I've had this heavy 'pressing' feeling again for about 3 or 4 days and it *just* clicked. Two years ago today, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. It was Friday the 13th. And then I lost the baby and it's. Sigh. No matter how much time goes by, I think I'll always feel 'heavy' when this time of year rolls around. Kent figured out what my problem was before I did! He asked, "Is it ever going to let go of you?" And I thought, at first, that he worded it wrong. But he didn't. And the answer is NO. It won't. I will be 65 with grandchildren (hopefully great-grandchildren!) and it will still weigh on my heart. I can't help it, I wish I could. It's a pain that won't ever completely heal. I think it bothers Kent a little bit - like I do it on purpose. But I don't. So the fact that it's mother's day and I feel like I should be writing "Two years ago today I found out I was pregnant with David!* And now it's Mother's Day and I'm so happy!" But I can't write that. I'm okay, though. I have a beautiful family - a caring husband, a very funny little boy, and a beautiful baby girl. I'm LUCKY. I know that. Still, there's the sadness.
ANYWAY. I'm actually having a good day, no matter how blaaaah I sound. This morning Aislyn woke up at 7am. I opened the bedroom door (Riley and Kent were already up) and as soon as Kent heard Aislyn, he came up and got her. I went back to sleep until ELEVEN! Yay! That's the only thing I asked for this Mother's Day. The chance to sleep in. It's really the only thing I wanted. At around 11 Kent brought Aislyn in because she was hungry (I had fed her just before she woke up all the way, so she didn't go all night and then all morning with out eating). So I fed her and then Riley got excited when he realized I was awake.
So far, this has been the best Mother's Day I've had. Riley ran into the bedroom ("Happy Momma's Day!") clutching a bouquet of red plastic flowers and a card. Then he gave me a flag (hehe) and a bracelet. Daddy had taken him shopping and he picked out my gifts himself (I never would have guessed!), it was adorable. He was so proud of himself. I love that kid so very much. Then he said, "You have more gifts downstairs!" and ran off. Silly boy.
Ri came back up with a present and Daddy let me open it. "The Husband" by Dean Koontz. When I told Riley what the title was, he didn't believe me at first! "Does it really?" he asked, with a skeptical look. (Because lately he will pretend to talk on the phone and say, "It's my husband on the phone" haha, at least I know he listens to me sometimes!) Then one by one, he brought up more and more presents. I got really spoiled! More books (Brokeback Mountain, Forrest Gump, and also Life Laughs by Jenni McCarthy), two cds (John Mayer's "Continuum" and Hinder's "Extreme Behavior"), a pair of jeans and a shirt.
It was really wonderful, sitting in bed with my family. The presents were all wrapped in Christmas paper (Santa faces!) and I kept a piece. The card Riley picked out was a Cookie Monster card and inside it said, "Meeeeee Love You!" I will be keeping it (with a piece of the wrapping paper in it - that I put in myself, obviously), he "signed" it himself.
I wish you could take snapshots of your life. I mean, you can take pictures but it's not what I mean. It's the moments like that. I was sitting there, leaning my head on Kent's (he was laying down beside me) and Aislyn was on my lap. Riley was laughing and waving the flag that he got me (for himself, I think, hehe) around. For a moment, I felt like I was standing in the doorway, watching the four of us. We're a real family. And sometimes that hits me hard. My kids are going to have something I never had and that's wonderful. And it makes me cry. I'm so very blessed. It's the most amazing feeling. I never want to forget what I felt like at that very second. It was overwhelming, the love and gratitude I felt. Everyone should feel that way, at least sometimes. Even people who maybe don't 'deserve' it.
I also got the first shower! That means I was the last one awake and I was the first one out of pajamas. Woo hoo! :) Then I came downstairs and Kent had made me a brownie cake. Which is to say that he actually made me a pan of brownies and they were frosted. Yum. I'm not a big fan of cake but I LOVE brownies. I'm SPOILED! I did make myself eat "breakfast" first (for some reason, even though it was lunch time, I felt compelled to eat breakfast food -that's usually how it goes- I can't eat a sandwich or whatever for my first 'meal' of the day) even though I wanted to eat brownies, haha.
So this is where the 'literally blue' comes in. Kent had written on the cake with gel food coloring (in blue and red) "Happy Mother's Day" and I had a piece. (I won't say how big it was, hahah.) Anyway, my lips and tongue are blue - as well as my fingers. It's actually fading now which is fine by me. My new shirt is blue, too. I'm wearing it.
We NEED groceries and Kent doesn't have another day off until Thursday so he decided to take both the kids with him. I had (have) mixed feelings about that. The three great loves of my life are all together and away from me at once. That's a really hard thing to swallow. What would I ever do without them? Then I am a bit happy (guiltily happy!) that they're all gone. I can listen to music as loud as I want, I only have to do what I want to do, I can sit down and write (about the best day I've had in a loooong time) without feeling guilty. It's a beautiful day outside. It's sunny and warm, there is a soft breeze. Aside from my tiny bit of sadness tucked away in a corner of my heart I am so happy right now. I'm looking forward to them coming home and I hope that the rest of the afternoon and evening goes by as well.
Right now, right here in this very moment, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have the most amazing family. I couldn't ask for more.
2:48 pm - 13 May 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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