I've been pretty BLAH lately.
I weighed myself this morning, for the first time in maybe a month. I weigh less than I did before I even got pregnant with Aislyn. Less than I have since before I got pregnant with David actually. Hrm. I suppose that is a good thing. I guess I'd like to be skinny again but to be honest I don't really care or even think about it all that much. Unless someone makes a comment. But oh well. I was unhealthy before.
Someone really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. I got an anonymous email. Which makes it even worse. If you want to say sometihng then say it to my face. I don't ever attack anyone else's parenting. (Except perhaps my *evil* sister-in-law and I don't even talk crap about her anymore.) Apparently I'm a sucky mother because I still feed Aislyn in the night, because she doesn't sleep in a crib and because she isn't eating "right" for her age. Among other things. I am paranoid enough about my abilities as a mother. All I can do is what I think is best. And I do, or I think I do. I try so hard to give my kids all the love, attention and material things they could ever need and/or want. What more can I do? I've pretty much given up my life in order to be home with my kids. I'm not complaining, I love to be here with them. I honestly can't imagine doing anything else. But what kind of assholey person just attacks a mother who is doing all that she can?
Because I love my kids I make sacrifices. Aislyn is still a sucky nurser. I've had mastitis, thrush and plugged ducts multiple times. At first she didn't latch properly and then she did. During the time that she did, I constantly had one issue or another. During the last bout of thrush she somehow managed to unlearn a proper latch. So now it hurts again. Every time. But I don't even think about the pain, I think about HER getting the nutrition SHE needs. How does that make me a shitty mother?
I stay home with my kids. I don't go out and drink. I don't even stay home and drink. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I encourage reading and discourage television watching. How does THAT make me a bad parent?
I'm so fucking sick of feeling like I'm not good enough. All my life, I've been beating myself up over every little thing. If I wasn't PERFECT at something, I obsessed over it. If I wasn't sure I could do something EXACTLY RIGHT, I avoided that activity. So many times I missed out on something fun because I was afraid I would fail. That is such SHIT. I'm so tired of caring so much. And you know, it's not that I care what other people think. It's that I care too much about what I think.
There are nights when I'm up all night long with Aislyn. And then Riley gets up at a ridiculous hour and I have to take care of both kids all day. And clean. And cook. And and and.... I do it. I don't complain except in here. I don't ask for much, I have family around but no one to help. And that's okay. I don't mind. I love my little family, this is what I've always wanted. I just try so hard to do everything and more than that, to do it perfectly. Sometimes it's hard. WEEKS will go by and the only thing I do for myself is write in here. And I get SHIT for it. I'm so disappointed. The hardest part is knowing that whoever wrote that stuff is supposed to be my friend, someone I trust. It's such crap.
My main goal in life is to be a better mother than my mother. To give my kids the things I didn't have. I think I'm doing that. They are having a better childhood than I did and I hope that is enough to save them from the kind of self-abuse that I put myself through. I want them to be smart and healthy and most importantly, I want them to truly enjoy life. So fucking what if I still feed my INFANT in the middle of the night.
I'm being so pissy. I hate it when I'm like this. Stupid people. Ruining my alone time. Blah.
10:18 pm - 25 June 2007
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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