I should have one monster of an update. But I don't. So instead I'll leave you with something I wrote yesterday in an offline journal. Because I wanted to tell someone the news but I felt I should wait to tell Kent, at least, before I posted it here. And. We're not telling family. For awhile. At least not until we've started doctor's appointments and gotten the thumbs up that everything's okay. I'm terrified of miscarriage (although my odds of that are much lower than some people's, it's not impossible) and since I'm only 4 weeks and 1 day, I just don't want to tempt fate. Hmm. Seems as though I'm find plenty to say anyway, eh?
Okay I'll post the offline journal entry at the end of this one. I spent the day with my mother and Riley. We also went shopping with my grandmother. I hate shopping but I love my grandmother. You know what I hate even more than just shopping? Shopping on Saturdays. I fucking HATE shopping on Saturdays. It turns me into a high-strung, irritable, bitch beast that wants to stomp on the city and steal fair maidens and hide them in caves on tall far-away mountains. Yes, yes it does. So that was fun but anyway.
Thanks, everyone who left a comment or note. I wonder sometimes if you realize just how much I look forward to and/or appreciate all the kind things that people on diaryland say to me. Sometimes, after a really shitty day I come here and I smile for the first time in hours. Anyone who says you can't make friends on the internet should set up shop on diaryland for awhile. Anyway, I'm done being mushy. Just know that I really do love hearing what you have to say. (Maybe I need a life, but whatever. Haha.)
Okay, so my husband rented Mystic River for me tonight. Only I haven't finished the book. Ugh. He rented it for 5 days, though. I will definitely have it finished by tomorrow. It's such a good book, I've only got about 100 pages left. Everyone should read it. I don't very often (strongly) recommend books but I really love this one. Of course, I've not gotten to the end. So. Yeah. Take it for what it's worth.
Okay, here's that offline entry from yesterday.
Friday, 13 May 2005; 2:08pm
About 5 minutes ago I caved in and took a pregnancy test.
I wasn't even sure that if I was pregnant I'd be pregnant enough for the test to work. You know what I mean? So we had a test sitting in the cupboard and today I was supposed to get my period. And I know that some tests can tell on the first day of your missed period. So I figured, worst case scenario would be that it comes out negative and I take another one in a few days to be sure. Best case scenario, it comes out positive and we won't have to buy another test.
So this morning I was contemplating whether or not I should take it when my MIL calls and says that she and my FIL are on their way down and are almost here. This was at about 10am. I'd known they were coming but wasn't expecting them until noontime. So I decided not to take the test until at least they were gone. They stayed for quite awhile, playing with Riley most of the time. Visiting, yada yada. So when they leave it's almost time for Kent to get ready for work (he had to leave at 1:30p). So when they leave he goes upstairs to shave and brush his teeth and all that jazz. When he came downstairs I was trying to get Riley down for nap. So I put the test out of my mind.
However, 2 o'clock came around and my husband was gone and Riley was down for his nap. I'm struggling with myself trying to decide if I should take it or not. I mean, I want to but I don't at the same time. I kind of felt like Kent should be here when I took it. Oh well. Because I took it.
And it came out POSITIVE!!!!!!!!
Yeah, positive. I was quite shocked, actually. Which is strange considering I've felt pregnant for a week now. Oi. I'm shaking as I type this because now I feel scared. The idea of a baby is a lot different than the reality of a baby. And now I have the reality to deal with. Oh, I'm excited - you bet! I'm thrilled like you wouldn't believe, actually. But along with pregnancy comes the worries of is he/she going to be okay, are we going to screw him/her up, is there enough love to go around (I'm pretty sure there is), can we afford another baby, etc., etc., etc. And the list goes on.... But you know, we'll make it work. Because I love kids and I love my son more than anything.
I do worry about Riley, though. How is he going to handle sharing his Mama? Will he be a good big brother? Will I still be able to give him all the attention that he wants/needs? Will I still be able to snuggle up with him before naptime and read him a book?
I'm so emotional right now. Frightened, nervous, elated. So many things are going through my mind. So many. Somebody help me!!! :) Okay, I'm going to be fine. I just wish 5:00 would come so I can call my husband and tell him. Maybe that would be mean to tell him at work? I don't know.
We talked about it before and decided to keep the pregnancy just between us (as far as family goes) until at least the first ultrasound. Just please let this baby be healthy. That's all I want. All his/her fingers & toes, and vital organs.
A baby!!! I'm going to have another baby!!!! Yay!
Let's see. Yesterday before I took that test the entry I had in mind was to post what every Friday the 13th makes me think of. No, it's not Freddy. Before yesterday (obviously Friday the 13th has new meaning for me now) the first thing I thought of was this story:
In third grade (maybe 4th, I don't know) I had a crush on this boy. Or I was "in like" with him or whatever. But it was more like just being his friend. Anyway. He always brought those little juice box type things to school for lunch everyday. Only he had chocolate milk ones. Does that make any sense? Anyhow his name was Joey and he always had chocolate milk. He used to share it with me sometimes, aww. So one day at lunch I was sitting across the table from him and when he went to get his lunch he realized his chocolate milk was leaking throughout his backpack. When he took it out it went everywhere including on this girl that I didn't particulary care for. It soaked the front of her (white) shirt and everyone realized she had put tissues in her (training) bra. My god. I didn't like her but still. I didn't laugh. At first. I feel bad now thinking about it because I did laugh eventually. And she cried. After that we were friends. Until high school. Isn't it funny how things work out?
Shit, I need some sleep.
7:59 pm - 14 May 2005
Recent entries:
long december - 30 December 2010
more proof that monkey really is my kid - 16 December 2010
to add or not to add - 10 December 2010
new entries - 06 December 2010
what makes me a bad mother - 17 November 2010
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